Tough Stuff

Hello again. It feels good to be blogging again. I haven't done this in about 5 months. I have missed every one so much. I hope you are doing okay. For me I am doing okay. I am definitely in a better place than a few months ago. I have been going to counseling and working on my ED issues. I haven't been throwing up or restricting as much... so I have gained a couple of pounds which is okay.... I know this what I need to do to get healthy. I want to get well... I want to live... I want to be a good example to my kids... they are my life and I don't want them to grow up with eating disorders or addictions. I want them to be healthy confident people... not held bondage by the addiction any kind.. food, drugs,alcohol, sex,ect. I have realized lately that my kids see me every day fighting the battle, facing the demons and I know they are scared that their Mom may die if I don't get well. I cannot be selfish any more... as much as I don't like giving up ED I know that I have a choice each day and I can decide which wolf I am going to feed.. the ED wolf or the healthy wolf. For today I choose the healthy wolf... I cannot have life  and be alive if I am feeding the ED wolf... ED wolf robs me of my life and I am done being robbed of life.  I want to be present with my family... I don't just want to fake it any more. I have missed out on so much because of living in my ED world. I cannot get back the time I have lost from Ed but I can CHOOSE to keep on fighting the battle and decide that I am worth living and that I don't need to punish myself any more. I have paid my dues.. just as all of you have.. you can decide you are worthy of life and you can choose to fight the battle and win.. I know it's not easy to choose recovery as it is hard as hell to let it  go  but know you are not alone...  you have others traveling this road with you... I will be there to pick you up;  just remember when you are lonely I wish you love; when you are sad I wish you joy; when things look bleak I wish you hope and when you are troubled I wish you peace.  Remember you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. I will be praying for all of my fellow traveler's on this road. I have to go back to work now as my lunch break is over but I will be back again.

Take card and choose the healthy wolf..

Love,

Deb

Hi guys I hope you are all well... I haven't been on this blog in months and I miss all of you. I am doing okay.  I am work now. I have to go but I will be back to blogging again with all of you... I have missed everyone!! I will blog later.

Take care,

Deb

I hope everyone had a nice July 4th holiday. Mine was okay. We had a small bbq with the neighbors. I usually get stressed about the food but it was different this time since I had the picnic at my house. I am not sure if I am in a better place or not. I haven't harmed my foot any more with a hammer which is a good thing but I am having a lot of anxiety right now and it's been pretty bad the last few days. I am not sure if it's the medicine I am taking. I have been taking Effexor XR for about 2 months and I want to come off of it as the side effects are bad for me but I am afraid if I stopping taking it I may nut out again. I have these horrible moments where I get really anxious and then I get extremely irritable and mad and start fighting with my husband and kids. I can never sit still as my mind just goes and goes. Not sure if I am bipolar or its just fighting the ED that makes me so anxious and irritable. I keep trying to silence the ED voices and the negative tapes that go round and round but it's so hard to do. I turn over my fears and worries to GOD but I don't think he ever hears me. I am so utterly tired of fighting this ED. I feel like I live my life as a sham.. No body knows the inner demons that I fight everyday. It is truly exhausting. I know all of you girls understand what I am saying. It's so nice to have a place where I can share my feelings and not feel shame or guilt about my behavior. It does help to come to this site and connect with others that understand and struggle as I do. I wish none of us had to struggle and fight the ED battle but I know someday we will all conquer and win the war against the ED. I know I have a rough road ahead of me and a long way to go but I am slowly making progress. I know why I have the ED and what my issues are it's just now I have to figure out how to overcome. My biggest issue is my MOM!!! My Mom is so image focused. She always wanted me to be thin, smart, pretty, etc. I was never good enough in her eyes. I truly believe I embarrassed her as child. I was a little chubby as a kid and it bothered the hell out of her. She is 67 years old and she is still weight and image obsessed!! It drives me insane. She still makes comments to be about weight. I am terrified to put any weight on because I don't want her to call me heavy and disapprove of me. I know that I don't have to have her approval but I know that little girl inside still wants it. The only time my Mom ever focused on me and took care of me was when I was sick other than that she was always out drinking and partying. I pretty much raised myself. I was never given any guidance, love or direction from her and my Dad was gone from my life when I was 5 months old. Growing up without any love and support from your parents can really damage a child. As a parent now I am trying so hard not to pass down the negative tapes that I heard and I know sometimes I fail. I pray all the time that my kids with grow up healthy without problems and addictions especially an Eating Disorder. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if they did. I know I cannot control what happens to them but I can try to give them the childhood that I needed and still long for. I know once I can heal the child inside of me I will be able to conquer ED. It really doesn't matter what the hell my parents think of me anymore. I have a wonderful husband and family who love and accept me. I have to work on loving and accepting me and that's what I am struggling with. I really don't like the person I am today and I know it is just years of  baggage that I am carrying around inside of me from my Mom and my Godfather who sexually abused me and my brother's friends who did as well. No one in my life ever protected me and I always felt dirty and shameful and that it was my fault!! I know it wasn't but I still feel dirty and shameful about my body. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can learn to accept and like my body just a little bit and not loathe it anymore? I don't want to keep on hating myself. I want to start living and enjoying my life again. I want to thank all of you for love and support. I want to thank Zantika for thinking about me when I was gone for awile. I pray for you all and I hope you can continue in your recovery. I am hear for you... always praying and thinking about you all.

Love,

Deb

My hope on this July 4th weekend is that we all have Independence and freedom ED and all of our problems. Learn to love yourselves and be gentle to yourselves as I am trying to as well!!

Please excuse my typo's on my previous post. I am sorry for my typo's in my previous post with all my typo's. I am so tired!!

Love you guys. Good Night. I hope you all understand what I was trying to say tonight!!

I miss you guys. I haven't been on my blog in over 3 weeks. I started my new job and I haven't had a chance to blog. At my old job I could get on my computer at work and blog but at my new job I am so busy that I don't have time to blog and when I get home at night I have been so busy with house work, counseling, baseball games, gym, etc. My life has been absolutely crazy lately. I have been spending a lot of time alone which hasn't been too great for me. I had gone almost a month without purging and restricting and I put a little weight on  about a pould and it stressed me out because know I am over the God forsaken 100lbs!! It's like I failed Ed and instead of throwing up  and restricting I been self-harming myself. I have taken a hammer to my right foot a couple of times with the intention of inflicting pain on myself and with the intention of trying to break my foot so I would have an excuse not to go to the gym and try to kill myself with running until I pass out. I want to tell the ED I have gained weight because I couldn't exercise but all I did was bruise my foot and give myself a stress fracture not enough for me to keep my butt out of the gym!! This fricken disease sucks!! I know it's because I need to stay sick to be loved my family. How dare I get healthy? I cannot keep inflicting pain on my body but I fricken loathe it. Everytime I look in the mirror I see an aged 39 year old woman who is hideous looking. I cannot see any ugliness. It's not just the weight..it's everything I hate about myself...my face, my hair, my body, my personality, all of it... I is so fricken ugly.. Why does my husband love me? Why do my kids love me? why? why? Lord knows I don't see any thing good at all about me... BIG FAT LOSER!!! That's what I am. I certainly never good the approval by my parents...just a big stupid loser in their eyes. I am sorry that I feel this way guys but this is true. You would think after 6 months of couseling I would feel better.. I just had a session tonight and I know I am rambling so I am going to say good night. I will be back to blogging you all. I miss you. Please remember to choose life and recovery. Love you guys.. Miss you too. Take care.

Just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon by myself thinking about my life and what is next for me. I have been going on 2 weeks without really restricting or purging and it hasn't been too bad but I have to admit it is getting a little harder for to keep doing this. I noticed though that I have been exercising more. I tell myself that I want to train for a 5k but I know I am trying to overcompensate at the gym because I am eating more and not throwing up. So am I really giving up ED? I think I am just finding another outlet. I never have been an over exerciser in the past because I didn't have the stamina .Now I just push and push even if i don't feel well or I am injured. The other day I started seeing black dots when I was done running not good but there's a part of me that just wants to drop dead of a heart attack and be with GOD. How selfish am I to think this way? I have a wonderful home, husband, 2 kids who I truly love and need me and I want me to be taken away from them. I don't worry about me because I will finally be at peace away from the ED demons but I know what they would be like without me being here. I cannot abandon my family even though I know at times I have been absent from their lives as I have been so wrapped up with this eating disorder. I know it's just ED telling me lies and trying to lure back to the old times. He's waiting not too patiently for me to come back. I am trying to silence the voices but it's so hard to ignore them and not give in too them. I know you all understand how hard it is to fight the battle and beat  ED. I know I will get through this and I will be okay as this is just how I am feeling today. I know I don't have to act on my feelings. I have inner strength and wisdom to fight it. I know I am not alone as I have God, my counselor and all of you plus my family to support me along the way. This helps so much to know that I am not alone. I can come on this blog and get out all my feelings and get support without any one of you judging me. It feels so good to have people who understand this BS.. It truly sucks and it is a life robber. We all need to keep on fighting and beating down ED. He belongs in hell!! We need to declare WAR. Enough is Enough!! It's time to surrender to God. Give are lives to our creator and let him take the steering wheel. God can and will be there for us always. I am confident and know in the end if we keep on choosing life and recovery and don't give power to ED we can and will be ED free. Keep on fighting the battle. Surrender ED for good!!! I am asking for your prayers girls that I can continue fighting this battle and make healthy choices for my recovery. Also please pray as start my new job on Monday as change triggers my ED behavior. I am really scared and I don't want to screw up on my job. I truly hope I made the right decision for me but I know it will work out either or good or bad as I am where I am supposed to be. God has it all planned out for me and you girls too. Have faith!! I am praying for all of you too. Take care of yourselves. Choose Life and Choose Recovery!!

Love,

Deb

Today is the last day at my current job and I am feeling a bit sad today. My boss didn't encourage me to stay at all. She was grinning from ear to ear when I gave my resignation. It hurts inside because I have busted my butt for the last 3 years and she just sees me as a screw-up who has issues. She is the main reason I am leaving plus our jobs are being eliminated left and right and I didn't know what the future held for me. I know it's a good thing that I am resigning but it still hurts to know that you weren't valued as an employee. I have made a couple of friends that I will miss but other than that I know its time to move on which brings me to my next point. I am so anxious about starting a new job. I want to go there and do a good job and not be labeled a screw-up again with issues. I know that I am not a loser but the last 3 years have really led me to believe I was a loser and I spiraled into a depression and my ED got worse. I am in a much better place now with the help of medication, therapy, and all of you on this blog. But I feel ED is rearing its ugly head again. It's trying to bring me down. Telling me I am getting fat because I am eating again and not purging. I am trying to silence the voices as I don't want to give into Ed because I know the game.. the lies.. the deceit.  the bs. In the end it is always worse. Recovery is the answer for me and I want to keep on recovering but I am afraid of relapsing. Any time I make a change even positive ones I tend to self-doubt myself so I self-medicate myself with ED. Not healthy I know but that's my pattern. I am determined not to fall victim to ED again but it's so tempting. I feel my so called BFF calling me back. I don't want to go back there. It was a dark bottomless pit of hell and I want to feel alive again and enjoy my life. I am just asking you girls to pray for me that I can continue on my path of recovery. I am going two weeks strong without the restricting and purging but like I said ED is trying to lure me back. Take care of yourselves. Choose Life. Choose Recovery.

Hello Girls,

I hope all of you are doing well.  I have made a decision about my job. I will be starting a new job on Monday and I am scared, but excited at the same time. I have been at my current job for the last 3 years and everyone at my job knows of my ED and it's gotten a little old. I want to go somewhere no one knows about my Ed. I was to be Deb not Deb who nevers eats and has to go to counseling because she has issues. Everyone here is always making some kind of comment to me about what are you  eating for lunch, why are you eating or not eating that, you need to gain weight, etc. It's like I am living back at home with my family again. I know it's my fault that everyone knows my business as I have talked about it and they have noticed weight loss since I started working here. My weight and eating are on the upswing again. I have a gained a little over the last couple of weeks as I haven't been restricting and throwing up as much. I am starting to feel better about myself and my life again. I have had many ED free days but I have to admit it's scary as hell. I am starting to feel things again and sometimes they aren't pleasant. I am looking at my behavior over the last few years and how it has effected my marriage and my kids and it isn't pretty. I am afraid they are a bit damaged because of seeing how I abused my body and the way I treated them at times when I was too tired and exhausted to care. I didn't have the energy to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend that I needed to be. I haved asked for their forgiveness and they forgiven me and they are glad to see I am recovering but I know still is some trust issues and they are still angry with me. I feel guilty for the ways I treated them but I cannot change the past and I can only move forward and try to be the wife and mother that I need to be. I am scared my husband my leave me as he has put up with my bs for the last 14 years and I afraid my son is going to have an ED. He is constantly saying he is  fat, heavy, ugly etc. Gosh, I don't want my children to fall victim to this disease because of their mother's example. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I am determined that I am going to keep on fighting Ed and not give it power anymore. Now more than ever I want life. I want recovery. I want a clean slate. I want  joy, peace, serenity, a happy calm family who doesn't worry that Mom is going to die. I know I can do this with your help and God's  and so can all of you. I am praying for all of you that you can have ED free days too. Please keep me in your prayers as well that I don't relapse again. When I  make changes even positive ones my ED rears its ugly head and it is real easy for me to fall prey to the viscious cycle of destruction. Take care  of yourselves. Remember choose life. Choose Recovery. Let's conquer ED for good.

I am sitting at my desk at work pondering my future without an eating disorder. I have been doing pretty good this week and it is scary as hell. I really want life and I want recovery yet I am just waiting for the shoe to drop. Usually when things start going well for me I get so anxious and scared and revert back to my old behavior but I have declared war against ED and I know that with GOD's help I will win the battle. I have a dilemma.. I have been at my job for 3 years now and it's had its up's and downs but mostly up's. A few months ago they told us we may be without our jobs due to the economy so I went on an interview at another company and they offered me the job but now things here are okay again. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid of change. I have a comfort level in my life right now. I am scared of making any change right now as it may jeoparidize my recovery and I want life and recovery more than anything!! It's been a long time coming but I am done with ED and I have the strength and determination to win. When I start making changes in my life my anxiety gets really bad and then I backslide. I want to make the right decision but I don't know what to do. I keeping praying to GOD for direction but haven't gotten an answer yet.  Any suggestions would be welcome? I know you all cannot tell me what do but any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for being here for me and know I am always here for you.  Remember choose life.. choose recovery. keep the faith.

Deb