Tough Stuff

A New Beginning For Me

Hello Girls,

I hope all of you are doing well.  I have made a decision about my job. I will be starting a new job on Monday and I am scared, but excited at the same time. I have been at my current job for the last 3 years and everyone at my job knows of my ED and it's gotten a little old. I want to go somewhere no one knows about my Ed. I was to be Deb not Deb who nevers eats and has to go to counseling because she has issues. Everyone here is always making some kind of comment to me about what are you  eating for lunch, why are you eating or not eating that, you need to gain weight, etc. It's like I am living back at home with my family again. I know it's my fault that everyone knows my business as I have talked about it and they have noticed weight loss since I started working here. My weight and eating are on the upswing again. I have a gained a little over the last couple of weeks as I haven't been restricting and throwing up as much. I am starting to feel better about myself and my life again. I have had many ED free days but I have to admit it's scary as hell. I am starting to feel things again and sometimes they aren't pleasant. I am looking at my behavior over the last few years and how it has effected my marriage and my kids and it isn't pretty. I am afraid they are a bit damaged because of seeing how I abused my body and the way I treated them at times when I was too tired and exhausted to care. I didn't have the energy to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend that I needed to be. I haved asked for their forgiveness and they forgiven me and they are glad to see I am recovering but I know still is some trust issues and they are still angry with me. I feel guilty for the ways I treated them but I cannot change the past and I can only move forward and try to be the wife and mother that I need to be. I am scared my husband my leave me as he has put up with my bs for the last 14 years and I afraid my son is going to have an ED. He is constantly saying he is  fat, heavy, ugly etc. Gosh, I don't want my children to fall victim to this disease because of their mother's example. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I am determined that I am going to keep on fighting Ed and not give it power anymore. Now more than ever I want life. I want recovery. I want a clean slate. I want  joy, peace, serenity, a happy calm family who doesn't worry that Mom is going to die. I know I can do this with your help and God's  and so can all of you. I am praying for all of you that you can have ED free days too. Please keep me in your prayers as well that I don't relapse again. When I  make changes even positive ones my ED rears its ugly head and it is real easy for me to fall prey to the viscious cycle of destruction. Take care  of yourselves. Remember choose life. Choose Recovery. Let's conquer ED for good.