Feeling Sad and Anxious Today
Today is the last day at my current job and I am feeling a bit sad today. My boss didn't encourage me to stay at all. She was grinning from ear to ear when I gave my resignation. It hurts inside because I have busted my butt for the last 3 years and she just sees me as a screw-up who has issues. She is the main reason I am leaving plus our jobs are being eliminated left and right and I didn't know what the future held for me. I know it's a good thing that I am resigning but it still hurts to know that you weren't valued as an employee. I have made a couple of friends that I will miss but other than that I know its time to move on which brings me to my next point. I am so anxious about starting a new job. I want to go there and do a good job and not be labeled a screw-up again with issues. I know that I am not a loser but the last 3 years have really led me to believe I was a loser and I spiraled into a depression and my ED got worse. I am in a much better place now with the help of medication, therapy, and all of you on this blog. But I feel ED is rearing its ugly head again. It's trying to bring me down. Telling me I am getting fat because I am eating again and not purging. I am trying to silence the voices as I don't want to give into Ed because I know the game.. the lies.. the deceit. the bs. In the end it is always worse. Recovery is the answer for me and I want to keep on recovering but I am afraid of relapsing. Any time I make a change even positive ones I tend to self-doubt myself so I self-medicate myself with ED. Not healthy I know but that's my pattern. I am determined not to fall victim to ED again but it's so tempting. I feel my so called BFF calling me back. I don't want to go back there. It was a dark bottomless pit of hell and I want to feel alive again and enjoy my life. I am just asking you girls to pray for me that I can continue on my path of recovery. I am going two weeks strong without the restricting and purging but like I said ED is trying to lure me back. Take care of yourselves. Choose Life. Choose Recovery.
06/03,2009, at 13:38
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Hi Deb, Your comment and support means so much to me. I always come back to read your comments when I need that extra boost :) I can tell that you are anything BUT a loser! That is SUCH a lie from satan to tempt you w/ ed. I think satan tells us so many lies... "youve been healthy for a while, its almost time for a relapse"... "bet you cant go one month w/o relapsing"... "youre BAD if you relapse"... etc. We CAN last long w/o ed as long as we recover w/ God & not be ruled by satans lies. And even if we relapse (cuz we're human), like you said, its not the end of the world. There's always grace and forgiveness and we can start over any minute of the day! So let's not have too much fear. I'll pray you'll find a great fit for your new job :)
06/03,2009, at 18:05
Visit sarah
you have been such a strong support for me, as your words provide me with comfort knowing there is someone listening who actually understands. the best part is that among the "walls" of this site we can express ourselves freely and know there is no judgment on us
... not that we should ever let what others think get to us but we do. in fact maybe it is us judging ourselves but regardless, here i don't pick apart what i express bc what i am worried what someone might think. i know we are all providing support and care for each other.
i know starting a new chapter in life whether it be personal or professionally can be scary but like you said it is also a fresh start and we can make it whatever we want it to be. we also have to keep reminding ourselves that the best things take hard work and can be uncomfortable at times to achieve. so we have to fight our old ways of thinking and behaving in response to stress and our emotions.
when i was let go, my mind too wanted to go into a sea of pity. i started thinking the "i was dispensable because i was not good enough" and " "my students will like the new teacher better".... blahh blahh freakin blah! i shut it up immediately and now i feel fantastic and excited about what is to come.
there is always something positive to come from any situation we just have to look to that and then walk in that direction with our heads held high and the knowledge that we can do it!
good luck in your new job. enjoy this new chapter of life.
06/03,2009, at 18:06
Visit sarah
you have been such a strong support for me, as your words provide me with comfort knowing there is someone listening who actually understands. the best part is that among the "walls" of this site we can express ourselves freely and know there is no judgment on us
... not that we should ever let what others think get to us but we do. in fact maybe it is us judging ourselves but regardless, here i don't pick apart what i express bc what i am worried what someone might think. i know we are all providing support and care for each other.
i know starting a new chapter in life whether it be personal or professionally can be scary but like you said it is also a fresh start and we can make it whatever we want it to be. we also have to keep reminding ourselves that the best things take hard work and can be uncomfortable at times to achieve. so we have to fight our old ways of thinking and behaving in response to stress and our emotions.
when i was let go, my mind too wanted to go into a sea of pity. i started thinking the "i was dispensable because i was not good enough" and " "my students will like the new teacher better".... blahh blahh freakin blah! i shut it up immediately and now i feel fantastic and excited about what is to come.
there is always something positive to come from any situation we just have to look to that and then walk in that direction with our heads held high and the knowledge that we can do it!
good luck in your new job. enjoy this new chapter of life.
06/03,2009, at 18:07
Visit sarah
you have been such a strong support for me, as your words provide me with comfort knowing there is someone listening who actually understands. the best part is that among the "walls" of this site we can express ourselves freely and know there is no judgment on us
... not that we should ever let what others think get to us but we do. in fact maybe it is us judging ourselves but regardless, here i don't pick apart what i express bc what i am worried what someone might think. i know we are all providing support and care for each other.
i know starting a new chapter in life whether it be personal or professionally can be scary but like you said it is also a fresh start and we can make it whatever we want it to be. we also have to keep reminding ourselves that the best things take hard work and can be uncomfortable at times to achieve. so we have to fight our old ways of thinking and behaving in response to stress and our emotions.
when i was let go, my mind too wanted to go into a sea of pity. i started thinking the "i was dispensable because i was not good enough" and " "my students will like the new teacher better".... blahh blahh freakin blah! i shut it up immediately and now i feel fantastic and excited about what is to come.
there is always something positive to come from any situation we just have to look to that and then walk in that direction with our heads held high and the knowledge that we can do it!
good luck in your new job. enjoy this new chapter of life.
06/03,2009, at 18:08
Visit sarah
you have been such a strong support for me, as your words provide me with comfort knowing there is someone listening who actually understands. the best part is that among the "walls" of this site we can express ourselves freely and know there is no judgment on us
... not that we should ever let what others think get to us but we do. in fact maybe it is us judging ourselves but regardless, here i don't pick apart what i express bc what i am worried what someone might think. i know we are all providing support and care for each other.
i know starting a new chapter in life whether it be personal or professionally can be scary but like you said it is also a fresh start and we can make it whatever we want it to be. we also have to keep reminding ourselves that the best things take hard work and can be uncomfortable at times to achieve. so we have to fight our old ways of thinking and behaving in response to stress and our emotions.
when i was let go, my mind too wanted to go into a sea of pity. i started thinking the "i was dispensable because i was not good enough" and " "my students will like the new teacher better".... blahh blahh freakin blah! i shut it up immediately and now i feel fantastic and excited about what is to come.
there is always something positive to come from any situation we just have to look to that and then walk in that direction with our heads held high and the knowledge that we can do it!
good luck in your new job. enjoy this new chapter of life.
06/03,2009, at 18:09
Visit sarah
you have been such a strong support for me, as your words provide me with comfort knowing there is someone listening who actually understands. the best part is that among the "walls" of this site we can express ourselves freely and know there is no judgment on us
... not that we should ever let what others think get to us but we do. in fact maybe it is us judging ourselves but regardless, here i don't pick apart what i express bc what i am worried what someone might think. i know we are all providing support and care for each other.
i know starting a new chapter in life whether it be personal or professionally can be scary but like you said it is also a fresh start and we can make it whatever we want it to be. we also have to keep reminding ourselves that the best things take hard work and can be uncomfortable at times to achieve. so we have to fight our old ways of thinking and behaving in response to stress and our emotions.
when i was let go, my mind too wanted to go into a sea of pity. i started thinking the "i was dispensable because i was not good enough" and " "my students will like the new teacher better".... blahh blahh freakin blah! i shut it up immediately and now i feel fantastic and excited about what is to come.
there is always something positive to come from any situation we just have to look to that and then walk in that direction with our heads held high and the knowledge that we can do it!
good luck in your new job. enjoy this new chapter of life.