Wondering what is next for me
Just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon by myself thinking about my life and what is next for me. I have been going on 2 weeks without really restricting or purging and it hasn't been too bad but I have to admit it is getting a little harder for to keep doing this. I noticed though that I have been exercising more. I tell myself that I want to train for a 5k but I know I am trying to overcompensate at the gym because I am eating more and not throwing up. So am I really giving up ED? I think I am just finding another outlet. I never have been an over exerciser in the past because I didn't have the stamina .Now I just push and push even if i don't feel well or I am injured. The other day I started seeing black dots when I was done running not good but there's a part of me that just wants to drop dead of a heart attack and be with GOD. How selfish am I to think this way? I have a wonderful home, husband, 2 kids who I truly love and need me and I want me to be taken away from them. I don't worry about me because I will finally be at peace away from the ED demons but I know what they would be like without me being here. I cannot abandon my family even though I know at times I have been absent from their lives as I have been so wrapped up with this eating disorder. I know it's just ED telling me lies and trying to lure back to the old times. He's waiting not too patiently for me to come back. I am trying to silence the voices but it's so hard to ignore them and not give in too them. I know you all understand how hard it is to fight the battle and beat ED. I know I will get through this and I will be okay as this is just how I am feeling today. I know I don't have to act on my feelings. I have inner strength and wisdom to fight it. I know I am not alone as I have God, my counselor and all of you plus my family to support me along the way. This helps so much to know that I am not alone. I can come on this blog and get out all my feelings and get support without any one of you judging me. It feels so good to have people who understand this BS.. It truly sucks and it is a life robber. We all need to keep on fighting and beating down ED. He belongs in hell!! We need to declare WAR. Enough is Enough!! It's time to surrender to God. Give are lives to our creator and let him take the steering wheel. God can and will be there for us always. I am confident and know in the end if we keep on choosing life and recovery and don't give power to ED we can and will be ED free. Keep on fighting the battle. Surrender ED for good!!! I am asking for your prayers girls that I can continue fighting this battle and make healthy choices for my recovery. Also please pray as start my new job on Monday as change triggers my ED behavior. I am really scared and I don't want to screw up on my job. I truly hope I made the right decision for me but I know it will work out either or good or bad as I am where I am supposed to be. God has it all planned out for me and you girls too. Have faith!! I am praying for all of you too. Take care of yourselves. Choose Life and Choose Recovery!!
Love,
Deb
